on being a pushover

written February 22nd 2019, edited April 3rd 2021

It’s a practice that comes naturally to some, and completely foreign to others. Here’s the lowdown. The whole purpose is to keep everybody happy, because then you yourself would be too. So you say yes, to everything. As long as your choice will affect others, it is no longer yours. And you grow exceptional at reading facial expression, body language, and even the slightest change of tones. You become aware of people’s reactions, even ones they don’t realise they let out. Then you adapt, and rearrange things to meet everybody’s need.

It’ll become stressful in a large group setting. Suddenly your flexibility can no longer sustain the weight of everyone’s needs and wants. Still, you’ll try. Hard. Even if it drains the life out of you. You become hyperaware, even a negative space in the sea of group conversations will become noticeable. What you do is invisible, because as far as everyone can see you just happen to want the same things that they do. You’ll show it through the excitement in your voice and the genuine smile on your face. The smile will not be faux, because what you want is to fulfil the wants of others.

It may seem selfless, a noble thing to do. To always do. But at the end of the day it’s just the most selfish and pathetic thing in the world. You try so desperately to give people what they want, rarely because of love, more often driven by the fear of losing your surroundings. You believe that by being everything to everyone, it’ll make up for your unworthiness. You’re afraid of the light, where people can see that other than being a pushover, you have nothing else to offer. That you’ll have to admit that

You’re not good, you’re just nice.